Rocket Penguin

They are doing this chili contest thingy at work today and so everyone is lined up in the hallway for free chow. I'm in my office minding my own business when I here.
"I thought I had enough to go all day, but I don't think it's gonna happen."
"Well I'm fading fast here. It's because I keep touching it."
"It's hard not to touch it."
I found out later they were talking about their clown makeup. At least the didn't talk about getting white stuff on the furniture.

It maybe because it's Halloween or maybe because yesterday was devil's night, (Is that even a real holiday? I just saw it on The Crow and thought it sounded cool.) but either way evil is all around us.

Yesterday at lunch I heard the toe tappable theme of evil. I don't know what it was called and I wouldn't type it here if I did, for I don't want to draw the attention of the nameless one. Let me just say that the theme song was brought to us by a collaboration of Brittany Spears and Madonna. This is an unholy union my friends. Madonna will suck the youth and popularity off of Brittany to once more reign down her evil upon the pop charts. Brittany meanwhile, will gain the powers of skank and cause billions of hours to go wasted as millions of men watch muted TVs.

Then on the way home from work, I saw a mini-van in a strip club parking lot. It even had one of those "soccer mom", and "my kid is an honor student at blah blah blah" bumper stickers. Diabolical. OK, well this one is more funny than evil, but still it seemed important at the time.

Later that night, there was a 45-minute episode of Will and Grace. The horror. That is 15-45 minutes longer than a Will and Grace episode should ever be.

This morning I was 30 minutes late for work. Obviously the devil made me oversleep. That Yassaf Arafat loving bastard is plotting against me.

At work I was briefed on the technical specifications of a project from a clown as vampires and people with poofy fake mullets walked by. Kim Jong Il has poofy hair and he's evil. Coincidence? I think not.

Every time I try to concentrate on a program I catch a clown, or serial killer walk past the door of my office. I can't work like this. The devil is sending his minions to distract me with the mind numbing sound of floppy clown shoes.

There is a Jessica Lynch movie and book coming out. I'll leave that one alone, but I'm sure you can see the connection.

Even Blackfive has captured a picture of the shiny orange ass of evil.

And the final insult to all that is good. In the break room there is a bag of 1950's monster green guacamole Doritos. No God-fearing person would invent such a food. I may have to leave work to pray for my soul. I will consult the employee handbook on if you use a sick day if you call in damned.

***Update***
Further proof of evil can be found here. Mayor Jimmy of Rantville found this link.

A preview of the future logo. Hopefully I can get it inked and animated this weekend. Thanks to my buddy Daniel for drawing it.

In Army basic training we have a lovely method of punishment known as "Reinforcement by Indorsement," it's basically a 1000-word essay. My boss sent me a hilarious example of this. I had to write one back in the day buy I wasn't quite as brave as this soldier. Enjoy.

OK, OK I know that most of these links are a couple days old and that fifty other sites are already displaying them, but that doesn't take away a bit of the snazzy-ness they contain.

Blackfive has a wonderful recap of several Iraq news stories that the media has somehow missed while reporting all the bad news.

Sgt. Hook has a wonderfully written letter from a girl whose father was killed in Iraq. Very moving.

Spoons is covering a story about an American Officer who may be court martialed for going all Samuel L. Jackson from Rules of Engagement on a terrorist's ass, and hurting the terrorist's feelings in order to save his men's life. I think that what everyone is missing in this story is that the man did in fact clearly violate the UCMJ (military law). The UCMJ clearly states that anytime you threaten a bad guy or fire a weapon at him in close quarters, you are required to say a clever/cheesy one liner and/or be smoking a cigar at the time. He simply did not do this. Had he lit up a cigar, stabbed the man with a huge knife and said, "Stick around." he would be free and clear right now.

Also by way of Spoons, a site that analyzes your writing and determines your sex. My A.N.S.W.E.R. post received a score of:

Female Score: 324
Male Score: 2294

Grunt, grunt, scratch, scratch.

Jen has a post about the noble penguin. Truly the king of beasts.

Paul is in a bit of a mid-blog crises. Everyone needs to go over there to fan his balls and tell him what a great blogger he is. "Who's my special blogger? Yes you are."

My favorite Iraqi blogger, Zeyad, has a post about bringing back the Iraqi army. It's very well thought out, and would solve many problems.

The Army is continuing with a huge feakin' laser that can shoot artillery shells out of the sky. The laser along with a gun that can shoot around corners can be found here.

The CIA showed off some of it's gadgets. Among them is a laser guided, flying mechanical dragonfly. The kicker to this is that it was made in the 70's. I wonder what they have now.

And finally the Kansas City Star has an article about the exchange rate for blood. Finally it's fair you give a pint of blood, you get a pint of beer. Hey with less blood in you a pint of beer should go farther.

***Update***
There is a very good and suprisingly civil discussion occuring in the comments section of the article about the charged American Officer story. I'm one of the few people in favor of charging him.

Close to my house there is a place that sells coffins. You would think it's a TV store or something the way it's laid out. They have signs in the window about sales and there are even coffins in the window. "What a sale? I hope I die before this great value ends." Anyway, what I noticed yesterday is that the coffin in the window had a big flippin OU logo on it. It was even upholstered in team colors. I live in Oklahoma City where it is assumed, that even God is a Sooner fan, and so I shouldn't have been all that surprised. It does seem just a little tacky to me though. What I finally figured out is that the coffin isn't for OU fans at all. It's for Texas fans with vengeful relatives.

*** Update ***
Wouldn't it be funny if they decorated for Halloween. "Hey Larry go lay in the OU coffin. Then when a crying family comes in you can sit up and scare them. It'll be a hoot."

The site might be down occasionally today and tomorrow, because I'm going to mess with the template code to the extent that blogger will allow. I'm tired of that sickly pumpkin color in the title. I'll change the colors up, add some pictures, maybe even do an animation for the title bar. It all depends on what blogger will let me get away with.

To the person that found my sight by searching for "Jewish shenanigans" on Google. I'm sure this site disappointed you. I love Jewish people and their lovable shenanigans as much as anyone, but unfortunately, I don't have any to call my own. I'm sorry to waste your valuable shenanigan viewing time. Have a nice day and good shenanigan hunting to you.

Sincerely,
Ross

*Side Note: When I went to spell check this 61 word post, I managed to spell 7 words wrong. In my defense most of those words were shenanigan, but still that's 11.5% misspelled. The Shame.

Ya, know if I was a boxer I would pretend to be gay. In a team sport especially hockey or football claiming to be gay would be suicidal, but in boxing what are they going to do? Beat you up? I think it would actually help your career to pretend to be gay in boxing.
First of all no matter what, you would win. If you lose, people would say that considering the adversity you had survived, you were brave just for stepping into the ring. If you won, then heh, that guy got beat up by a gay guy.
You would get paid more money for fighting. It's a promoter's dream. Some people would tune in just to support a gay guy. Some people would tune in just to see a gay guy get beat up.
The only downside that I can think of is that your ring name wouldn't be very snazzy. You couldn't be Johnny "Night Train", or "The Hammer." No matter what you called yourself people would name you something else. "Tonight we pit "Iron" Mike Tyson against Johnny "The Fighting Fairy" Smith.

**Update***
Maybe "Fuchsia" Freddie Smith would be a better name
If being in the closet is pretending to be straight when your gay, what do they call straight people who are pretending to be gay? In the living room? "Oh he's a breeder, just look at his shoes. They don't match those pants at all."

As I continue to blatantly rip-off Paul's dating tips from Sanity's Edge, I offer the bulk of the knowledge I acquired in college. I agree with the vast majority of what Paul says. I differ with him more in the execution than the concepts. These tips are designed to maximize your success in scoring. These tips aren't about deception (well, OK maybe a little). Deception probably won't get you laid. Most of the time, women know exactly what they will or won't do with/to you at the beginning of the night. Your job is to just not talk them out of it, and maybe if you're really good, bring them a little closer to your side. They know what you're trying to do, but if you make it too obvious, they have no choice but to call you out.

Basic Preparation.
1. Clean the place. Come on I would have never thought I would have to say this but I've seen guys out there that think a woman doesn't mind tip-toeing through your laundry, wondering what that moldy smell is, then knocking the junk off your bed. Women mind. Do you really want her to be grossed out when you're trying to get your swerve on? Her comfort and opinion of you are paramount to your success, and a nasty apartment hurts them both. Clean the hell out of the place. All of it not just where you think she will go. Messes have a way of creeping. Bleach the tub and toilet. Sprinkle the carpet junk. Clean out the fridge. Six pizza boxes aren't cute. Febreeze is your best friend. Burn some candles for a few hours before you leave, but put them out before you leave. This will make the place smell nice without burning the place down. Besides if she walks into your living room and there are burning candles everywhere, it looks like you're plotting on her.
2. Loose the roommate. If you have roommates you're at a disadvantage already. You need to let them know what's going down and a good roommate will find somewhere to be until at least 3 a.m. Nothing will destroy your chances quite as fast as bringing her home to your roommate sitting on the couch watching sponge bob square pants in his boxers. Having the roommate in another room isn't good enough. Sound travels.
3. Rent some videos. Look, there is a chance that you won't succeed. Maybe you won't even like her. So you might as well get a movie you wanted to see anyways. If you do this you won't even have to lie later. Don't get a chick flick. Again that makes you look like your plotting on her. If she mentioned a movie wants to see or actor she likes get it. Otherwise get something you think she would like. Comedy is good. Drama is better. Action is iffy.
4. Beverages. I like to go with hard liquor, or a chick friendly beer like Two Dogs, DNA, or smerifnof ice (Oh like you know how to spell it). If you have hard liquor, make sure you also have ice, and something to mix it with. Coke is the easiest solution.
5. AC. Women are notoriously cold blooded. Drop the temperature to where it's just above actually being cold. If it's almost cold to you, she will find it a bit too chilly. This goes against the make her comfortable rule, but there is a reason. We will get to that in the date section.
6. Make the bed. You should have done this during the cleaning the house phase, but if you actually had to be told to clean the house, maybe you didn't do this. Women don't want to give it up on wrinkly sheets. This isn't anywhere near a deal killer. It's not like she's going to refuse you because the bed isn't made, but it is a nice touch.
7. Leave a couple books out. This does two things. First it makes the place a little less sanitary. It gives the impression that your house is always this clean. (riiight) Second, the books if carefully chosen can make you look more sensitive and thoughtful. Again with Paul I differ, I think the book he choose may be a little too sensitive, or at least I could never pull that much of a stretch off. Whatever books you choose you need to be able to intelligently discuss them.

During the Date
1. Home field advantage. When making the arrangements for the date, throw out the option of her picking you up. You might still drive but something like "So do you want me to pick you up, or do you want to swing by here?" works more than you probably think. Women are nosy about where you live and probably want to check out your place. If she picks you up you have a huge advantage. Since you're already there, it's easier to invite her in at the end of the night, than it is to convince her to come back to your place. Note: If you have any doubts that she may be a little psycho do not do this. Then again if you have those doubts get out now and cut your losses.
2. Compliment. Women need complements like Vanilla Ice needs a hit. Say something about her hair/eyes/any thing but boobs or ass/dress/shoes when the date starts. After that stop any and all appearance based compliments. Continue with the occasional compliments but they should be towards her mind and sense of humor. Keep the comments casual and sincere you don't want seem too intense or look like your sucking up.
3. Be Polite. Open doors for her. Pull out her chair. Don't interrupt her when she speaks. Rudeness is a huge turn off.
4. Listen. Women like to talk and you should let them. Ask about her family, work, and childhood. Your comments should be open ended and show that you're listening. Things like "What was that like?", "What do you think about?", and "Really? Then what?" will keep her talking and keep you from saying something stupid. The occasional insight and nod of the head go along ways. If you don't agree with one of her views you can disagree, just don't make it a big issue.
5. Spend some cash. If you spend a lot of money on a date she will not feel like she owes you something, but if you are stingy she will look at you like a cheap ass. Go somewhere nice but not extravagant. I don't go to the ultra trendy/ French restaurants because:
A. I'm not comfortable there. Therefore note as charming.
B. The food sucks.
C. I'm too cheap.
A place that's nice enough to provide nice atmosphere and good food without providing one of those mind numbing clapping birthday songs is what your looking for. Don't go anywhere loud. The conversation at dinner is the biggest thing that will determine if your going to get any.
6. Show little to no sexual interest. Under no circumstances should you make jokes or sexual innuendos. It's not cute, it's not funny, and it doesn't turn her on. Don't look at her boobs. Don't steer the conversation towards anything sexual. She should think that your really digging her for who she is, not because she's really hot. The goal isn't to get her to let down her defenses. The goal is to get her to want you more than you want her. If you can pull that off you should be gold. Note: If she steers the conversation towards sex, you may fire at will.
7. Confidence. You should have the attitude that you aren't concerned if you'll get any. Don't think about the date as an audition. Think about it as a job interview where your not sure if you want the job. The key think is to never have the slightest hint of desperation. If you can have confidence with out coming across as cocky you'll be fine.
8. She's the only woman there. It doesn't matter if the hottest girl you've ever seen walks by. Keep those neck muscles in check. Only look at her. If she points out that a girl is cute, make a comment that agrees with her but indirectly complements the girl your with. If your date is kind of tall say something like "Yeah she's ok but she's a little too short. I tend to like tall women." You need to deliver this line as if you were totally oblivious to the fact that you drew attention to one of her traits.
9. Neutral movie. This is a very flexible rule. If you're going to the movies, you should really try to read the girl. Don't suggest a chick flick because then it looks like your plotting on her. Always ask her what she wants to see. If you plan on seeing a sequel or a remake, rent the original before hand. After the movie if it turns out she liked the sequel, you can tell her that you have the original at home.
10. The Invite. As the date is winding down, probably in the car ride home, tell her that you rented a movie that you were planning on watching tomorrow. Ask her if she wants to join you. This is code. It's like asking a girl if she wants to come in for coffee. She knows what you're asking. If she says no, tell her you had a really good time, and end the date. If she accepts you are rounding third base and making a break for it.
11. Offer her a drink, and pop the movie in. I differ with Paul on this. He says that it is a distraction. I say that I'm not in a hurry and it gives both people something to focus on until everyone is comfortable. Keep the volume at a reasonable level. She will not be impressed by your sound system no matter how cool it is. Keeping the volume down will allow you to talk comfortably and if you get her in bed, the movie in the other room won't be a distraction.
12. Pay attention to where she sits down. There is the off chance that she actually just wanted to watch a movie. If she sits on the recliner, you will probably see how the movie actually ends. If she sets on the couch or loveseat, your chances are much better.
13. See if she looks cold. The AC is on awfully high after all. If she looks that way or says something, offer to get her a blanket. This makes you look caring. Plus, sharing a blanket will help you out quite a bit.

After that you're on you own. Just to recap make her comfortable, make the night about her, and remove any reason for her to say no. Let the hate mail begin.

Blackfive has a great post about a wounded soldier in Iraq.

By way of Annika, Amy has dating tips for women, from a woman. She has several good points.
1. Your date does not read Vogue. He has no clue if what your're wearing is ultrahip, or so last year. Therefore, you shouldn't worry either.

Jimmy of Rantville disagrees with some but not all of my dating tips.

Q and O eviscerates A.N.S.W.E.R.

I am the number two result when searching for "popeslap". I'm embarrassed by this I really should be number one on all violent pope related searches.

There is a relatively new Iraqi blogger.

There is a new blog by an infantryman in Iraq. His spelling and grammar is as bad as my blog but the content is interesting. I've never been anywhere were we had regular internet access, but if his blog is legit then maybe my Iraq tour won't be so bad.

Boots and Sabers has a good post about the differences between conditions in the deployed Air Force and Army. Being a once and future grunt who has many friends in the Air Force I feel uniquely qualified to comment on this. It's not a bitch or an opinion that the Air Force has it better than the Army. It is simple fact. Ask any airman, or for a more colorful description ask any soldier.
I've seen the way they live. I know that at the exact moment that I am beating the ice off my boots so that I can put them on, there are guys on the AWACS flying above my head that are complaining about the Pepsi being too warm and the oven to cook their frozen pizza isn't working well enough. I know that when I come out of the field in the middle of the night from a two week FTX, that my buddy Aaron in the Air Force probably didn't work past 1:00 p.m. all week. Does this make me mad? Hell no. Well maybe the 1:00 p.m. thing, but not the field conditions. If they can improve the bases where those airmen work, why shouldn't they? Do the infantrymen what air conditioning and cable TV? Hell yes. Problem is that we are usually too busy stopping bullets and winning wars to stay home and wait for the cable guy to show up. It's simple logistics. It's a heck of a lot easier to fix up a few air bases than it is to run cable to every hole that a grunt claims as home.

The cultures of the Army and Air Force couldn't be much different. A few days ago I was talking to my buddy Aaron. He's a crewmember on an AWACs. I asked him, "How can you come home at noon or one everyday?"
His response was that when they don't have a mission he can go home as soon as his work is done.
It was then that the incredulous Army mentality in me kicked in, "But don't you guys have training to do?"
"No, I know my job."
"You don't know everything about your job. There is always more to learn. That and you've got to train the people under you"
"There might be a few things, but I know my job very well. Besides I don't have anyone to train."
"Well do you know the jobs of the man above and below you?"
Long silence. "Why would I need to know that?"
"In case they get taken out."
"They aren't going to get taken out."
"Well what if they are sick or, God help us all, some day you get promoted. Shouldn't you know the job you will be moving into?"
"If they are sick we use a replacement and promotions don't work that way. You don't change jobs when you get promoted. You just increase your rank."
"Well shouldn't you be taking leadership courses for when you get promoted."
"Why? I won't be in charge of anyone when I get promoted."

This entire mindset baffled me. Being a technician in uniform was a far cry from what I had always been taught to be. The Air Force is a corporation as much as a military force.
Does this take away from what they do? Hell no. They are still putting their lives in danger, in a very hypothetical way, and what they do is vital to the nation. Are they military? Hell yes. Do they deserve respect? Hell yes. Do they deserve the same respect as front line soldiers? Hell no.

A lot of airmen look down on us front line soldiers. We don't have the technical training and don't use all the high dollar equipment that they have to use. Somehow this makes less intelligent in their eyes. Some of them think that their equipment makes them elite. These are the individuals that think we wanted to do their job but we weren't smart enough. Because of this we "had" to go to a combat unit. Indeed on some of the "very special" soldiers there is an element of truth to this, but for vast majority of the men I have served with, it couldn't be further from the truth. I've even seen this attitude in some of my friends. One of my army buddies and I were harassing an airman friend of ours about being soft (poor guy it's kind of a daily thing). He responded with "What you guys don't understand is, I'm in charge of a $20 million dollar piece of equipment."
My buddy immediatly responded with, "What you don't understand is I'm in charge of a bunch of 17 year olds."
"That's not the same thing."
"Your right, my equipment is more complicated and much more valuable."

The Air Force culture creates an atmosphere with very different set of priorities than the Army. The Air Force places a very high priority on troop morale and their mission allows them to accomplish it.

So I guess if the Air Force has it so good you would have to be a fool to join any other service, right? I don't think so. Soldiers, and I don't mean those guys putting three years in for college, or those guys who joined from lack of options in life, real soldiers don't do it for the benefits. They do it for more. They do it for those time-honored, corny words that someone who hasn't ever been cold, afraid, and hungry can never completely understand. Duty. Honor. Country. That's it. That's all there is. Do we know we could be getting a sweeter deal somewhere else? Yes we do. Do we care? Not really. The Air Force communications specialist that's getting paid 1/4 what his civilian equivalent gets, knows the civilian has a better deal. The infantryman who's been deployed for the last nine months without running water or hot chow knows the airman has a better deal. The Green Beret who has been in the states four months of the last three years knows the infantryman has a better deal. You know what? None of them will trade for the cushier position when there is important work to be done.

Recent comment on my site: "Good start guy. Saw your link at Sanity's Edge. Normally I wouldn't have clicked it because he's friends with that Bill idiot, but the 'Rocket' in the name hooked me, ya know?"

Wow the Bill bashing even extends to my humble blog. How does that make you feel Bill? Bill is to the blogging community, what the Jewish people are to the Islamic world. Someone to blame problems on and make fun of. Happily, everywhere I have seen him slighted, Bill, much like the noble Jewish people, fights back with his bounty of ideas and creativity, instead of giving into his hate. Bill responded with more poetry: "Screw you, Ted."

Rocket Penguin would be the most popular blog on the internet if Bill didn't control the internet by proxy.

***Update***
Recently on Bill's site, a corner may have been turned. A new era may have dawned. Bill found someone who not only agreed with him, but agreed with him without ridiculing of him. By uttering poetic words that history shall mark, Bill courageously cast off previous friends to form a new alliance.
Bill said "My others readers suck." Bravo, Bill. Truer words have never been spoken.

At work there is this "special guy" that handles most of the janitorial duties. He walks around all day cleaning the bathrooms and emptying trashcans. His hands are always sticky and dirty because he picks out the paper and pop cans from the trash by hand. I'm pretty sure works for cans and scrap paper, or maybe for weed. Hell I don't know. It's great you get to have your trash rooted through everyday right in front of you. It's all the fun of stalking in the privacy of your own office. Anyways today I was taking care of some "paperwork" in one of the restrooms stalls when he comes in and starts cleaning the joint. So there I am sitting on the John listening to his heavy stalker breathing and he starts muttering to himself. The effect was like having Gollum clean your sinks while you try to handle your bidness. "Filthy toiletses."
It's the most comfortable I've ever been while crapping with out needing some sort of medication.

In a blatant rip-off of Paul's dating tips on Sanity's Edge, I humbly offer some supplemental material for the bootylopedia. Note all tips assume that you are interested in the guy for an actual relationship. If this isn't the case, you're women for goodness sake if you can't figure out how to get a man into bed, you have problems I can't begin to solve.

1. Bring some money. About $50 should do it, cash. If this is a first date you never know what kind of guy it is, even if you've been "friends" for a while. When dealing with women, single guys have two kinds of female friends. Those they think are ugly, and those they want to bone. If your on a date you never know if he was being artificially nice this whole time to set up this date. That being said you don't want to be dependent on him. Besides it's always a good idea to have enough money for cab fare.
2. Pick your outfit with care. I guy is going to gauge two things off the outfit that you wear. What his chances are, and how interested you are in him. If your girls are popping out like you have two midgets in a headlock, he might get the wrong idea. On the other hand if you just wear jeans and a T-shirt, it says you not interested in him enough to care what you look like.
3. Easy on the makeup. Less is always better than more. There is nothing worse than having the girl next door that you asked out turn into Morticia Adams when you pick her up. This is seriously scary stuff.
4. Unlock his door. If he's a gentleman and opens your door for you, you really need to unlock his door for him. It shows that you're considerate. Some guys use the key instead of the remote precisely to test this. (OK probably just me, but you never know) If he doesn't open your door, his momma didn't teach him right and you have no obligation to hook him up.
5. Have an opinion. You don't need to be overbearing but that coy girly "Why don't you make the decisions you big strong man." stopped being attractive in the thirties. You don't have to make the final call, just help us out a bit. A simple "I really like Italian food." can go along ways. Although he should already have a working plan in place, if he doesn't get your opinion/approval on it, it should send up a warning flare to you.
6. Eat something damn it. This goes back to the outdated coy girly bidness. We know that 90% of women are uncomfortable eating in front of guys, but it still annoys the hell out of us. First of all we won't think your pigs if you eat like a normal human being. Second it makes us feel like a pig when we are the only one eating like a normal human being. There is nothing quite like the feeling of seeing a $20 dollar steak being carried away from your table with two bites taken out of it.
7. Order whatever you want as long as it isn't the lobster. We seriously don't care what you order. Even if it's vegetarian as long as you don't try to push it on us. Ordering the most expensive thing on the menu however makes us question if you are going to be high maintenance.
8. Watch you mouth. We don't care if you curse, occasionally. At this point in the relationship neither one of you are actually on the date, only your representatives are present. If every other word is a curse word, it shows a lack of class. When you are both sitting around watching movies in your sweats the cursing can become endearing. Save it til then.
9. Don't talk about your ex. In fact don't even mention his (if it's not a him, feel free to bring it up) tired ass unless we ask. If you say anything about him it shows that your mind is on him. I have had first dates where a girl talked about her ex the entire night, all the while assuring me how "over" him she was. Another date with a different girl consisted of me listening to vivid details about how she trashed his apartment and car after catching him with another girl. I didn't have second dates with either one of them. In fact I didn't even give my real address or phone number to them.
10. Easy on the booze. You might be nervous but keep a two-drink minimum. If you get sloppy drunk and make a fool of yourself, a good guy will never call you again, and a bad guy will drop you off in the morning.
11. Make a motion to pay. It doesn't even have to be a sincere motion, and it doesn't have to be a motion to pay for more than your share, but the motion means a lot. It shows you're not a high maintenance girl who expects everything to be handed to you. It's one of the simplest things you can do to get filed into "keeper" status by him.
12. Easy on the compliments. You should say he looks nice, maybe that he's funny but that should be the extent of it on the first date. The male ego is a fragile and complicated entity. If you start sounding more like a fan than a date, you become at best, less interesting at worst, scary. Men can have stalkers too. To this day I'm still afraid of mine.
13. Show a little love. How much affection you give at the end of the night has a direct impact on his interest. If you kiss him, you've stated that you're interested and the ball is in his court. If you don't, he's left to guess whether or not you're going to be making up lame excuses next time he calls.
14. But don't show too much love. I'll probably get booed and possibly my ass kicked for this but it's probably the most important thing on the list. DON'T PUT OUT. If you put out on the first date, you instantly go from possible girlfriend material, to a character in an exaggerated semi-fictional story that will be told over beers to his friends. All future calls will be booty calls. To stay out of skank territory, don't let him get any more than a handful of booty. It's well established by the Geneva Convention and international law that the third date is the sex date.
15. Don't call him. He probably won't call for a few days after the date. This is normal. If you're really interested in him, wait for the call. If you call it makes you seem desperate, and they're by less attractive. (Stupid and immature I know, but I swear it's true) You already indicated your interest with the post date lovin'. He will either call within a few days or he's not interested and he blew you off. If he blew you off it's best to let the relationship die gracefully. (This will ensure you stay out of his psycho story repertoire.)

Still to Come...
Pickup lines and other bad ideas
Dates gone bad, as told by my friends and the waitress from Outback
The very special Booty edition (if my girlfriend ever finds this blog, I heard about this. I've never used it. Uh, yeah.)

Man if feels like some thing's moving moving around in my sinus. It's like a worm, or one of those dozers from fraggle rock. Hmm I wonder if that's why they are green. If there are dozers in my sinus building stuff, and there are no fraggles to eat the towers, then that may explain the pressure and blockage I'm feeling. Wonder where I can find some fraggles to snort.

OK so I wake up this morning and I'm sicker than the outbreak monkey, oh well I'll tough it out and go to work. Then I go to put my contacts in but one of them rips in half in my eye, creating the feeling of having a razor blade in your eye. That was my last pair of contacts and I can't find my glasses. So my Mr. Magoo shaved eye ass decides that I'll just go back to sleep for a while and maybe I'll feel better when I wake up. Just before I fall asleep a freakin marching band starts playing outside. No kidding a marching band. God are you cursing me for tying to be the Pope? The best part of all this it's only 9:00.

MSNBC is running the headline "Rumsfeld questions war on terrorism". No he doesn't. At no point in the article does he question the war. He states several basic facts like:

1. "It is pretty clear that the coalition can win in Afghanistan and Iraq in one way or another, but it will be a long, hard slog,” Well yeah we didn't expect to have this all wrapped up by Thursday.

2. "We are having mixed results with al-Qaida, although we have put considerable pressure on them - nonetheless, a great many remain at large." That's not questioning the war that's acknowledging that it's not over.

3. “The cost-benefit ratio is against us! Our cost is billions against the terrorists’ costs of millions.” It's clearly established that a B-2 costs more than an AK-47.

This is another example of the media writing a story reflecting their opinions regardless of what the facts are.

Anyone who wonders how we could spend 87 billion dollars in Iraq has either never worked for the government or never been involved in the defense industry. I am a programmer for a defense subcontractor (at least until November 5), and I am currently one of the many people proudly squandering away your tax dollars. I am writing a program that translates SGML documents into Microsoft Word documents. The other guy in my office is writing a program that translates MS Word documents into XML. The two programs are unrelated and don't work together at all, but they are going to the same client, who is heavily involved in rebuilding Iraq. A huge percentage of the data is lost in the translation either to or from Word and the translators are each costing the client tens of thousands of dollars. (Maybe more, like they are going to tell me how much we are charging them) Everyone who even knows how to turn a computer on thinks these translators are a terrible idea, but the project has been pushed forward blindly despite what we think. The funny thing about all this is that any good SGML/XML editor program will allow you to just click "Save As XML". I guess our client just wants a less effective/more expensive way to do it. Hey billions of dollars don't spend themselves.

Slate has an article speculating on who is going to be the next pope. At the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think it should be me. Why should I be the pope and not you? Well I called shotgun so back off. I may not be the most obvious choice, but if you'll hear me out I think I have some excellent qualifications.

1. I'm young. I'm 23 years old. You don't have to worry about me falling over and dying from disease anytime soon. Assassination maybe, but we haven't gotten to the changes I'll make yet.

2. I'm an outsider. I'm not part of the good ole boy Cardinal crowd; hell I'm not even catholic. It doesn't get much more outside than that. I'm not sure why this is important but I hear politicians always claim it's important that they are an outsider. If a politician says it, then it must be true.

3. I have strong neck muscles. From my understanding of the Catholic Church, the more important you are, the bigger your hat is. Because of this, the pope wears a hat whose hugeness is only eclipsed by the mighty sombrero of God himself. If your going to be big poping and bling blinging all day, your going to need big neck muscles.

4. I will actively fight evil. Sure we've all seen those popes that talk big on fighting evil, but how many times have we seen a pope go twelve rounds with Marilyn Manson. When I'm your pope I promise that fight/cage match/crusade.

5. As your pope I will speak out against pedophilia. When I'm the pope the penalty of pedophilia will be changed from, moving the sicko to a new church full of new victims, to being fed to the lions. I'm not against Christians being fed to the lions, as long as we get the right Christians.

6. I will abolish grape juice for the whole communion thing. Come one you've got to sit through a few hours of church. The least the church can do is give you a real shot. The blood of Christ should really pack more of a kick than grape juice. I've never actually been to catholic church so if it's not grape juice, I'll see your wine and raise you tequila.

7. I will go on the 700 club and smite Pat Roberts. Come on you wanna see it. I'll sit down to talk to him then as soon as he says something stupid, (shouldn't take too long) I'll splash the sulfuric holy water in his face and be like "Demon! The power of the pope compells you to leave this shriveled up old meat bag."

8. I will end celibacy. I'll be like "Uh yeah, it turns out, we are suppose to celebrate, Christ."

9. I will ensure the words pope, big popein', popeslap, and poped out, appear on all catholic rap albums. If there is in fact such a thing as a catholic rapper.

10. I will appologize for the Spanish Inquisitions. On behalf of the catholic church let me be the first to say, "My bad."

11. I will confirm that God does in fact bless America, and he would bless all you crappy little third world countries too if you would stop killing in his name and eating goats and stuff.

12. I will always refer to myself in the third person and use the word friggin a lot, because that would be funny. "Hey could you pass the Pope some friggin potatoes."

13. The Pope has always wanted to control his own friggin country. Giving the Pope control of the Vatican City will cause a lot less friggin innocent people to violently die than the other conquest methods the Pope has pondered. Come on be a friggin team player. It's better for everyone this way.

14. The Pope will use the resources of the Catholic Church to research an inspector gadget style helicopter to put in my Pope sombrero. Come on that would be friggin sweet. Who knows if your a good little catholic I, sorry the Pope might even take you for a ride.

15. Excommunications will fly faster than French courage on a battlefield. That is at least until the Pope figures out how to smite people.

Update
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Does anyone know if you can get impeached or depoped or whatever? I mean once your the pope your gold right?

I was on A.N.S.W.E.R.'s website looking at their anti-war pamphlets and I thought you might be interested in them. They contain many striking facts that I was unaware of. Things like:

Pamphlet #1
1. The fact that Iraq isn't a military threat to anyone. "There is no record to support this claim. During the Gulf War of 1991, while the United States bombed Iraq with a barrage that included 110,000 sorties, Iraq did not destroy even one U.S. tank or plane."
Huh guess those pilots that I saw in the first gulf war must have beaten the shit out of them selves and turned themselves in. I thought our ground troops out fought them but I guess they weren't fighting back. That certainly explains why we won so easily.

2. Sanctions have been more devastating than the Gulf War itself. "UNICEF confirms that five to six thousand Iraqi children are dying unnecessarily every month due to the impact of the sanctions, and that figure is probably modest,"
I guess that means that even if we have collateral damage of a thousand children every month we are still saving four or five children a month.

3. "The Bush administration wants to reshuffle the deck in the Middle East and undo all of the achievements of the national liberation movements from the last sixty years."
We want to undo the achievements and liberation of Saddam Hussein; well yeah I guess they got me on that one.

Pamphlet#2
1. Relief was quickly replaced by limitless U.S. triumphal, and the announcement that the invaders were now hunting the leaders of the ousted regime, the same way that in earlier manifestations of colonialism the authorities tracked and killed the leaders of defeated slave revolts.
Holy Shit! Did they just say that noble Saddam was leading the poor little brown slave people against the cruel white masters? I don't even have anything to say to that. Wow.

2. "This sharp shift in the world relationship of forces, culminating with the collapse of the Soviet Union itself two years later, opened the door for the U.S. war against Iraq in 1991."
This is just part of a paragraph that basically states that had the Soviet Union not collapsed there would be world peace.*cough Korea, Vietnam, Chechnya, Afghanistan cough* The USSR was the only thing keeping American imperialism inline. Ah those noble Commies and their legendary pacifism and human rights records. If only they were still around to morally guide us.

3. "Rather than ushering in a new era of peace, the counter-revolutionary overturn of the government of the USSR and throughout the socialist camp was seen in Washington as the green light for a new round of wars and interventions from Panama to Somalia to Yugoslavia."
Emphasis mine.
They sound pretty bitter about communism failing.

4. "Having achieved their victory, however, the occupiers now confront a people who have a long and proud history of resistance. The anti-war movement here and around the world must give its unconditional support to the Iraqi anti-colonial resistance."
Is this an anti-war pamphlet or an al-Qaida training manual? They support the killing of U.S. soldiers. They think it's heroic. Supporting the resistance is treason. The author of this pamphlet is attempting to be principle to the crime of treason.
5. "Neocolonial and landlord rule was maintained by a ruthless secret police/ military regime that tortured, murdered and imprisoned countless thousands of Iraqis."
Yeah good thing that ended when Iraqis started governing themselves. I guess secret police torturing and murdering is only bad if it's by colonial governments. If it's done by hometown boys then it's just part of the culture that we shouldn't disturb.

6. After WWII one of President Roosevelt goals was the "establishment of the dollar as the world currency"
Riiiiight. The U.S. dollar is the currency the rest of the world's governments whack off to at night. I'm sure it would still be that strong if we had every government in the world printing and using it. That recent business of creating new Iraqi dinars was pretty counter productive to this goal if we still have it.

7. "The 1958 revolution put an end to colonial domination and marked the beginning of Iraq's real independence. Although the Iraqi Communist Party was the biggest organized force among the revolutionary forces, the revolution did not lead to a socialist transformation of the country."
I'm starting to see a pattern here.

8. Three factors forced Washington to abandon that plan in 1958: 1) the sweeping character of the Iraqi Revolution; 2) the announcement by the United Arab Republic. Syria and Egypt were then one state that bordered Iraq, that its forces would fight the imperialists if they sought to invade; and, 3) strong support for the revolution from the People's Republic of China and the Soviet Union. The USSR began to mobilize troops in the southern Soviet republics close to Iraq.
Yep there is in fact a pattern. God bless those noble Russians. They are truly the only ones who have kept the people of the world safe. Without their concern for the common man, the world may be lost to the Mongol horde of capitalist prosperity. Stalin save us all.

Even if I wasn't pro-war, I couldn't be a member of the anti-war movement, because of the company I would have to keep.

1. I am deathly afraid of alligators. They really creep me out. Come on that makes way more sense than being afraid of spiders or clowns.

2. I find monkeys in all forms to be hilarious. They are like little people who are plotting to kill you and then knock down the statue of liberty and aren't afraid to throw a little poo to get there.

3. I know that #2 is a run on and I don't care. Neither should you.

4. I am a horrible speller. I almost flunked spelling and handwriting in school. That may be part of the reason I got into computers... To break the evil hold of lined paper.

5. I have a degree in computer programming.

6. I work for a company that does stuff to military manuals.

7 I am delightfully amazed at how often the word erector, erection, and erect appear in Air Force manuals.

8. I think the bacon mushroom melt from Wendy's is the pinnacle of fast food technology. I am angered that it is only on the menu part of the year.

9. I once bit off my own tongue.

10. I have served in the Infantry and Artillery.

11. I have a huge scar on my side and I don't know what it's from. Maybe I was in weapon X.

12. I am a huge dork for knowing what weapon X is. I loved the original X-Men cartoon. I used to watch it every morning while eating Apple Jacks. Mmmmm Apple Jacks.

13. I can curse and count in three languages, but that's about the extent of my knowledge in two of said languages.

14. I think Halo is the greatest game ever made, followed closely by X-Com and Tecmo Bowl.

15. I have never seen anyone that was particularly famous in a random encounter. Guess I need to hang out at airports and crack houses more.

16. I hate country music. I would rather listen to clowns getting tortured by Barbara Striesand while midgets in monkey suits rake their fingernails across chalkboards. Heh heh midgets in monkey suits.

17. I am politically an independent but I believe that there is a vast conspiracy by all the Democrat canidates to turn me into a Republican.

18. Starship troopers if my favorite book ever. If you've only seen the movie (directed by the guy that made Robocop *shudder*) you probably think I'm crazy, but the book was actually very thoughtful.

19. I think Ghost of Mars was the worst movie ever made. Just typing the title was painful for me. Who ever wrote that script should be fed to carnivorous llamas.

20. I love sports cars. Of the cars that cost less than $100,000, the Mustang is my favorite.

21. I have a Mustang. Heh, heh, it's freaking sweet and I got it in nearly mint condition for $3,600.

22. I have a daughter that is 1 1/2. She in convinced that she speaks fluent English but alas, she doesn't.

23. I made my daughter dress up as a monkey for her first Halloween. Hey, I only get so many years to humiliate her for my personal amusement.

24. I hate mowing and painting more than any other chore. My first job was mowing and painting. It's a wonder I got over the physiological trauma enough to ever work again.

25. I've never done an illegal drug. (even pot)

26. I love the Oakland Raiders. I follow pro football religiously. I think college football is corrupt and is just an elaborate tryout for the pros.

27. I was nearly killed by a bull once.

28. When I was a kid, people used to say I looked like Leonardo Dicaprio. When I got older, people started saying I look like Matt Damon. After I shaved my head people just say I look like crap. I prefer the third comparison over the first one.

29. I've been to four different countries but I've never been to the east coast.

30. I think The Family Guy was the greatest show ever made, followed closely by The Tick. Both shows are now canceled. I guess that shows what I know about quality TV.

31. I hate talking on the phone with everyone but my girlfriend, and avoid it at all costs.

32. Pepsi is better than Coke. There is a difference.

33. I hate organized labor. It's a step above communism.

34. Egon was my favorite ghost buster. Simon was my favorite chipmunk. Brainy was my favorite smurf. Megatron was the coolest transformer. Snake-Eyes could whip all of them though. (I can't believe that smurf isn't in word's spell checker!!!)

35. I played football and was on the wrestling team in high school, and sucked at both.

36. My girlfriend is such an incredible athlete that she should be wearing tights and running around fighting crime or something. Mmm tights.

37. I hate it when people e-mail me cute or inspiring stories. Messages and jokes are fine. Joke pictures with photo shopped boobs are preferred.

38. My prized possession is a 62 inch wide screen, high definition television. It makes Sunday afternoon football delicious.

39. My mother believes she is going to win the lottery any day now. She owes me a Lamborghini if she does. (How in the hell is Lamborghini in the spell checker but smurf isn't?)

40. I think 'anteater poop' is the funniest two-word phrase in the world. Seriously just try saying anteater poop out loud a few times.

41. Matrix Reloaded sucked. Not quite Ghost of Mars, or Wrong Turn suckage but it sucked.

42. I don't believe that I'll still be posting to this blog in a month's time.

43. I like going to other countries because I feel tall. Only in America is 5'8" short.

44. I suck at basketball. It might be because I'm short, white, and untalented, but I'm going to play it safe and blame it on France. Boo frogs!

45. My life dreams include: shooting a full fuel tanker with a rocket launcher, watching a full water tower fall down, going to a Raiders game in Oakland, farting in a room of celebrities and blaming it on Martha Stewart, beating a criminal/terrorist down with his own shoe, and having a house next to a high school when I'm old so I can yell at kids to get off my yard. The dreams aren't necessarily in that order though.

46. I'm too lazy to think of enough things to make this list an even 50.

Is this thing on. God that has to be the most generic first post ever.