Rocket Penguin

Contestants:

Popeye

Bill
Romonawski

Reason to
Fight:

He's a drunken
sailor. Since when do they need a reason to fight?

Ditto. Since
when did a hopped up linebacker need a reason to fight. Just ask Roland
Williams.

Advantages:

Solid
Jaw. This thing is like an anvil. You would break your
hand on it.

Spinichroids. Popeye gains
incredible strength and aggression after taking his medicine.

Power
Punching. Power is Mass X Velocity. The mass of his
forearms make his punches unstoppable.

Anchor
Tattoo. It's just cool. They should give these out in
naval basic training.

Solid
Jaw. Um ditto with popeye.

Regular ass
steroids. Oh sorry I mean "supplements". Romo gains the
power to spit through face guards and break ocular bones after taking his
juice.

Bowflex. I guess he uses it.
That's what the commercial says. While Romo is working out, Popeye would
be doing sailor things like getting drunk and mop things. Heh, poop
deck.

Disadvantages:

Just another
spindly seaman without his spinach.

May get
concussion and/or fine from the league after the first punch is
thrown.

Secret
Weapon:

You never know
when that pipe is going to become a flamethrower.

The Bobby
Bouchett Spear Attack.

Outcome:

Gotta go with Romo on this one. If Romo was Japanese he wouldn't stand a chance but Romo would break this poor sailor.

Contestants:

Rocket
Penguins

Ninja
Monkeys

Reason to
Fight:

Those damn
dirty apes think they are so advanced with their
thumbs.

If the ninja
monkeys could master flight, they could be truly
unstoppable.

Advantages:

Flight.

Speed.

Technology.

Stealth.

Thumbs.

Quickness.

Disadvantages:

Batman doesn't
much care for them.

Easily
distracted with shiney objects.

Secret
Weapon:

Upchucking
fish from high altitudes.

The Surface to
Air Fecal Projectile System, or SAFPS

Outcome:

With their
quickness, thumbs, and training every indication states that the monkeys
would win, but this blog isn't called ninja monkeys. Penguins
win.

Contestants:

Care
Bears

Ewoks

Reason to
Fight:

There is an
ewok out there that needs a valuable lesson about sharing and
caring.

This forest
isn't big enough for two sissy ass teddy bear looking
things.

Advantages:

Cloud
Cars

Care Bear
Stare.

They have that
lion one, he's pretty cool.

Very
defensible bases.

Marksmen.
Excellent at throwing rocks and shit.

Armor
Penetration. Able to make simple things like rocks and logs defeat even
the most complex armor systems.

Deceptively
Vicious. Somehow in spite of the fact that they will throw your ass in a
cook pot and eat you if you give them the chance, they still seem
harmless.

Disadvantages:

Weak
Armor. If those log things can take out a walker thingy
what will they do to a car made of clouds?

Weak Attack.
The care bear stare is pretty weak. It doesn't kill
anyone. It just knocks them down and makes them happy. Kinda like a Prozac
bitchslap.

Inexperienced. They haven't
fought any real battles. The ewoks took on the biggest power in the
galaxy. The care bears just fight a guy with a funny hat who has a mutated
ill-tempered wombat for a pet.

Slow. They walk like midgets in
a Halloween costume. Hmmm.

Dumb. If you get a robot they
will think you're a god.

Enemies. There
are millions of people world wide who want them all to
die.

Secret
Weapon:

Prozac
Bitchslap

Those sticks
are pointy, yo!

Outcome:

The care bears
would rain down happiness and after school special wisdom on the Ewoks
until they came into rock range. Then those cloud cars get completely
shredded. As the Ewoks move in for the kill the Care Bears would line up
for the care bear stare. The stare knocks the ewoks back and everyone
starts hugging just as the new death star laser blows up the hole planet
and kills them all. Everyone
wins.

Contestants:

G.I.
Joe

A-Team

Reason to
Fight:

Advantages:

Technology. Tanks with three
main guns. Jets that split in half. Submarines that could fly. Laser
rifles. This stuff rocks.

Personnel.
They have people for any occasion. Firefighting, cold weather, pro
wrestling, ninjas. Even "The Fridge" from the Chicago Bears is on the
team.

Wisdom. After
fighting in a pitched battle and trying to wipe C.O.B.R.A. off the face of
the planet, they take time out to say things like "Fighting isn't cool."
or "Always remember to close the refrigerator door. It saves energy."
After all knowing is half the battle.

Snake
Eyes. He was cool. You know he was your favorite.

Gear. The A-Team doesn't need
technology. Just give Mr. T a blowtorch, a pig, a prom dress and two dozen
ho hos and within an hour he'll turn the van into a tank and the pig into
dinner. *Insert generic pity the fool comment here*

Ammo. This may be part of the
modified gear advantage. The A-Team never runs out of ammo or even needs
to reload.

Creepy
Kidnapper Van. This van can go from creepy kidnapping
ride in the mall parking lot, to submarine in just a few minutes. Plus it
can take a direct hit from a hellfire missile.

Theme
song. Come on, it was great. Sing it with me. Duh duda
duda duh, duh duh duh. Duh duda duda duh, duh duh duh.

Disadvantages:

Marksmanship. The average Joe
can't hit a man-sized target with the most advanced weaponry known to man
from five meters away.

Physics
Defying Missiles. The Joe's missiles travel at the speed
of an 90 year old woman on her way to church. They also broadcast a signal
to the enemy advising them to get out of the way. As a result of this the
enemy always manages to abandon their vehicles before they are destroyed.
A Joe missile has yet to result in an enemy KIA.

Charades. Since Snake-Eyes can't
talk, critical time must be used in the middle of a battle to figure out
what the scout is reporting, or as my buddy put it: "What's that Snake-Eyes? Timmy fell down the well?"

Leadership. Duke is usually too
busy trying to pork Lady Jane to issue orders.

Covert Agent
Fridge. Why does he get his own Joe? I want my own
Joe.

Marksmanship. The A-Team has
expended millions of rounds over the years they have been operating. To
date none of them have hit a bad guy.

The Guy With a
Lot of Hair. What was his name? Face maybe? That's
pretty lame. What does he even do? He's dead weight.

Speed. Everyone is pretty old or
slowed down by hundreds of pounds of middle of the bad-side-of-town-mall
quality bling bling.

Secret
Weapon:

Tanks, planes,
and ninjas oh my.

Well-placed
fuel drums.

Outcome:

Really this
battle may never end each side would just drive around shooting at each
other but no one would ever get hit. It would be pretty pathetic. It would
end up being a fistfight between Mr. T and Sgt. Slaughter. Mr. T goes
down. Joes win.

Contestants:

The
Hulk

Donald
Rumsfeld

Reason to
Fight:

Hulk
Smash

Raarhh!

Advantages:

Anger makes
him stronger

< What he
said.

Disadvantages:

Not too
bright.

Becomes weaker
if rage dimenishes.

CNN.

Pussyfooting
congress.

Damn leaky
memos

Secret
Weapon:

French
Poodles

MOAB

Outcome:

Too close to
call. It's like Rumsfeld is fighting his green
twin.