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The misspellings and run-on sentences of a self propelled pop-up target.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Football Gods, Answer My Call
Dear Football Gods,
Why have you smited my beloved Raiders? This weekend they lost to the Lions. The Lions for goodness sake! The team that you have eternally cursed for not fanning the balls of Barry Sanders so that he would become the greatest running back of all time. The balls of someone that good deserve serious fanning. The very Lions who I'm pretty sure my high school team could take. My beloved Raiders went to the super bowl last year, and for that I thank you, football gods.
This year however, they have the talent of a Nigerian hockey team mixed with the heart and courage of a French soldier. Well OK maybe the French thing is going to far. They do play the entire game before admitting defeat. The team has no offense, no defense and lots of personal problems. Gannon went colorblind and can't tell jersey colors apart and now he's "hurt". His backup, Tuscalupapacachup-ratta-latta-lat-whama-lama-ding-dong, is horrible and now has a busted up knee. Romo has head problems, physical as well as mental. The entire offensive line is hurt or randomly going to Mexico to get drunk. The coach hasn't changed the audibles since the last coach left. He didn't even change them for the game against the former coach. The kicker is a 24-year-old Polish guy with the body of a 45-year-old bowler. That could explain why as a multi-millionaire professional football player he feels he must use date rape drugs to score.
I just want to know what happened. Did the owner Al Davis A.K.A. Skeletor's deal with Satan finally expire? Is there some sort of goat or other farm related curse in place? Did Rich Gannon work out with Kurt Warner and Ryan Leaf this off-season? Did Bill Calahan's mind get switched with a 10-year-old boy's like in that movie "Big"? That would certainly explain why they passed three straight times on 1st and goal from the nine yard line.
Football Gods please tell me what I need to do to atone for my team's sins. I have so much team merchandise that I can't afford to start liking a new team.
Sincerely,
Ross
***Update***
Ted shares my pain.
At least the Raiders don't play the cardnals this year. Losing to them would be more embarassment than I could take. Packer and 49er fans I'm looking in your direction. Poor bastards.
Why have you smited my beloved Raiders? This weekend they lost to the Lions. The Lions for goodness sake! The team that you have eternally cursed for not fanning the balls of Barry Sanders so that he would become the greatest running back of all time. The balls of someone that good deserve serious fanning. The very Lions who I'm pretty sure my high school team could take. My beloved Raiders went to the super bowl last year, and for that I thank you, football gods.
This year however, they have the talent of a Nigerian hockey team mixed with the heart and courage of a French soldier. Well OK maybe the French thing is going to far. They do play the entire game before admitting defeat. The team has no offense, no defense and lots of personal problems. Gannon went colorblind and can't tell jersey colors apart and now he's "hurt". His backup, Tuscalupapacachup-ratta-latta-lat-whama-lama-ding-dong, is horrible and now has a busted up knee. Romo has head problems, physical as well as mental. The entire offensive line is hurt or randomly going to Mexico to get drunk. The coach hasn't changed the audibles since the last coach left. He didn't even change them for the game against the former coach. The kicker is a 24-year-old Polish guy with the body of a 45-year-old bowler. That could explain why as a multi-millionaire professional football player he feels he must use date rape drugs to score.
I just want to know what happened. Did the owner Al Davis A.K.A. Skeletor's deal with Satan finally expire? Is there some sort of goat or other farm related curse in place? Did Rich Gannon work out with Kurt Warner and Ryan Leaf this off-season? Did Bill Calahan's mind get switched with a 10-year-old boy's like in that movie "Big"? That would certainly explain why they passed three straight times on 1st and goal from the nine yard line.
Football Gods please tell me what I need to do to atone for my team's sins. I have so much team merchandise that I can't afford to start liking a new team.
Sincerely,
Ross
***Update***
Ted shares my pain.
At least the Raiders don't play the cardnals this year. Losing to them would be more embarassment than I could take. Packer and 49er fans I'm looking in your direction. Poor bastards.
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